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Dr. Parik’s Meme Diagnosis of the Week: The Suez Canal Crisis and Tesla’s Bitcoin Payment Play

Hi, I’m Dr. Parik Patel, BA, CFA, ACCA, Esq. If you don’t know me already, I’m a Chartered FinMeme Analyst (CFA) with a particular expertise in #stonk valuation (pro-tip: just multiply by two). Anyways, I’ve been told that I have a particularly special insight into the world of finance and memes, so the team at Bullish asked me to create a regular round-up to help explain what the hell happened this week… and then offer my “diagnosis” of the virality. 

This week was another eventful one, with GameStop making its 5,679th return as the company reported quarterly earnings. Elsewhere, Tesla opened up payment in Bitcoin, much to the joy of crypto enthusiasts. In case that wasn’t enough, the Suez Canal — one of the world’s busiest waterways — is at a standstill after a massive container ship got stuck and blocked the trade route, due to a sandstorm and fast winds. 

Once again, big stuff is going down, but what does it all MEME? Without further ado, let’s dive into Dr. Parik’s Meme Diagnosis of the Week…

Image via @_SidVerma

Summary: GameStop makes its perennial return to the column after reporting its quarterly earnings on Tuesday afternoon. The company missed analyst expectations for both revenue and earnings, with adjusted earnings per share (EPS) at $1.34 versus the $1.43 street estimate. Despite global e-commerce sales leaping 175% year over year, the stock is down more than 30% since the earnings call with management, suspending guidance until further notice.

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: The suspension of guidance comes as a surprise to $GME investors, who were eagerly anticipating sales growth and margin estimates to update their models and renew their valuations. All fundamentals aside, one thing’s for certain: they still like the stock.

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Summary: The Royals are in the headlines once again, with Prince Harry joining BetterUp — the $1 billion professional coaching and “immersive learning” startup in Silicon Valley — as its Chief Impact Officer. This is Harry’s first formal position at a private company since leaving the Royal Family a year ago.

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: After joining a startup in California, we can expect to see Harry embracing the Silicon Valley lifestyle: Joining Twitter, hosting Clubhouse rooms, and setting up a Substack. Personally, I can’t wait to see Harry sporting a Patagonia vest.

Image via @DougBoneparth

Summary: As you’re likely well aware by now, a Dr. Parik column would not be complete without mentioning Elon Musk or Tesla. The popular EV company has officially started accepting Bitcoin as payment, much to the joy of crypto enthusiasts. To power this payment option, Tesla said that they would be using both internal and open source software.

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: Imagine using your Bitcoin to buy a Tesla instead of HODL’ing with #diamondhands. Using an appreciating asset to buy a depreciating asset doesn’t seem like a bright idea. Anyways, none of this will really matter when Dogecoin replaces the US dollar.

Image via @RampCapitalLLC

Summary: Something seems a bit fishy about Cinnamon Toast Crunch… the popular cereal went viral on Monday after one customer spotted some sugared shrimp tails in his breakfast. Initially, the cereal manufacturer tried to pass it off as an “accumulation of cinnamon sugar,” but now the discontented consumer is planning to send samples to a third party lab to confirm that what they found was, in fact, shrimp.

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: I don’t see what the big deal is. Frankly, shrimp is an excellent source of protein, and a great way to start the day. In my opinion, we should normalize shrimp in breakfast cereal.

Image via @ParikPatelCFA

Summary: And finally, the big news for the week… the world-famous Suez Canal has been blocked by a traffic jam after a massive container ship was blown adrift by fast winds and a sandstorm. Eight tug boats are working to free the 224,000-ton vessel, which is holding up tankers containing Saudi, Russian, Omani, and US oil. Egyptian officials warned that it could take up to two days to clear the ship.

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: If you ever think that you’re failing at your career, remember the captain who caused this international chaos. I guarantee you won’t feel as bad after that.

Summary: The Suez Canal is still blocked off, and it’s costing the global economy $400 million per hour. Apparently, disrupting industries can make you a lot of money. Still, officials have not decided the best method for removing the cargo ship. Above, I proposed some solutions. 

Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: I’m pleased to announce that I have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after successfully coming up with innovative solutions to solve the Suez Canal Crisis. Some say I should stick to finance, but I guess I’m just built different… 

So there you have it! That was the week in memes. Now here’s what the doctor is prescribing:

  • Don’t sell your Bitcoin to buy a Tesla. Remember: #diamondhands
  • Eat shrimp cereal for breakfast. It’s brain food.
  • Don’t block up the Suez Canal with a gigantic container ship. 
  • If you do block the Suez Canal with a gigantic container ship, please reach out to Dr. Parik for some innovative solutions

~ Dr. PP out

Dr. Parik Patel

I am Dr Parik Patel.

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